so i'm sitting here... by myself... listening to music... the water of the pool running... watching the sun set behind the palm trees... thinking about life... it's so peaceful and calm...

chaos... i guess it's what we make of it, eh? i've been going going going and if i wasn't, i was talking about how i soon would be again... hanging with the same few people, and i mean few, can really mess with one's head... they can make you believe whatever they want, feel whatever and it all seems right... cuz you don't know any better... i've been letting people tell me what to do with my life recently... what to feel, who to like, how to live... it's totally not me but when you're lost in life like i have felt lately, any kind of advice seems to help...

i feel like i've royally screwed everything up. school- failed my test. rommates- still fighting with joy. softball- can't hit ANYTHING. relationship- broke up for who knows why. friends- too busy to hang out with. gamma sig- almost got stix killed. family- never call them. mom- i'm a disappoinment.

i miss the hills on kentucky, the simple life of company and laughter.
i miss laughing with joey until the middle of the morning and waking up with a stomach cramp from laughing so hard and long.
i miss my dad.
i miss saratoga for the place and the people.
i miss having my head breaded.
i miss my favorite umbro sneakers.
i miss the stars and all the wishes they bring.
i miss my sandal tan.

i want to be a better listener.
i want to change the world.
i want to help the helpless.
i want to entertain small children.
i want to hold joanna.
i want to pick up my guitar and strum for hours.

i wish i had a joanna backrub.
i wish my mom was here to watch me play.
i wish my knee didn't hurt.
i wish people would help each other more.
i wish i could sing.
i wish i was a more effective leader.

my girl.

If I were a butterfly
I'd thank you Lord for giving me wings
If I were a robin in a tree
I'd thank you Lord that I could sing
If I were a fish in the sea
I'd wiggle my tail and I'd giggle with glee
But I just thank you Father for making me, me

For you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile
You gave me Jesus and you made me your child
And I just thank you Father for making me, me

If I were an elephant
I'd thank you Lord by raising my trunk
If I were a kangaroo
You know I'd hop right up to you
If I were an octopus
I'd thank you Lord for my fine looks
But I just thank you Father for making me, me

If I were a wiggly worm
I'd thank you Lord that I could squirm
If I were a fuzzy, wuzzy bear
I'd thank you Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair
If I were a crocodile
I'd thank you Lord for my great smile
But I just thank you Father for
making me, me

my poor little ear is sunburned...

i just wish one thing in my life, for once, could be easy. why does everything have to be a freaking struggle? must be nice to have a normal life.

i can't hit the broad side of a barn. i miss my dad. my mom pisses me off with softball. i know she's trying to help but i really muss my dad yelling at me and making me play better. it's just not the same. i need to quit. i hate this.

effing a

I know you've been sworn
I've read your complaint
You're needing someone older
And though I've been warned
To live day by day
There's something taking over
Did you expect to kiss me one time?
While looking at me with the same eyes ever again?
So come on and face it
So come on and face it
It's time that we say it
You can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
Close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I'm calling it love soon
It's not about you now
It's what we are
Your mother complains
That you you need a man
You haven't mentioned me yet
And all of your friends
Don't know who I am
I've been your best kept secret
I understand I wasn't part of the plan
A dollar short a minute early
But I am your man
So come on and face it
So come on and face it
It's time that we say it
You can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
Close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I'm calling it love soon
It's not about you now
It's what we are
Let's bypass the bullshit
And move on because the minute hand moves faster
Than you think it does
And by no fault of yours
And by no fault of mine
The bottom line is laying in
The bed that we've been playing in tonight
You can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
Close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I"m calling it love soon
It's not about you now
It's what we are

I can't believe what is in front of me
The waters rising up to my knees
I cant figure out how the hell I wound up here everything seemed ok when I started out the other day then the rain came pouring down and now I'm drowning in my fears

As I watch the setting sun
I wonder if Im the only one

Everybody tries to put some love on the line
Everybody feels a broken heart sometimes
Even when Im scared I have to try to fly
Sometimes I fall, but Ive seen it done before
I gotta step outside these walls

Ive got no master plan to help me out or make me stand up for
All the things that I really want you had me too afraid to ask
As I look ahead of me I try and pray for sanity

These walls can't be my haven
These walls can't keep me safe here
And now I guess I gotta let them down

You seem so afraid
Afraid you’ll regret Regret getting closer and connected to me
And I feel like that to but I'm scared,
Scared you’ll leave while you still feel you can
So ill just wait and see
So ill just wait and see, and see
Let our eyes say words we’ll leave unspoken
While were trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing while were trying to be careful
But not to careful

Fear, it has its place
Folded in squares squarely
Tucked in the back pockets of all minds
And yes it’s reckless to laugh
Pointless to decide
Just let your world collide with mine
Let’s not wait and see
Let our eyes say words we’ll leave unspoken
While were trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing while were trying to be careful
But not too careful

What’s the average number of times people feel this way in a lifetime
Lets not waste more time

Let our eyes say words we’ll leave unspoken
While were trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing while were trying to be careful
Not too careful
Not too careful

i need everything about this picture in my life.

sleep. camp. puppies. asp. dad. gamma sig.

ok so i had this crazy ass dream last night. i only remember parts of it but like i was on vacation at my vacation house... and it was like in the carribean or something with like clear blue water... and my mom was out sailing... and i was swimming with matt and he was hitting on these girls that were sailing... so whatever he was doing that and i met this girl... she was cute, brown hair, but looked soooo young... somehow things escalated... and should would lay on my chest while i was swimming on my back, kinda like i was a raft but somehow i was still a float. i was kicking and stuff but couldnt see anything behind me and she was like oh no, look out your gonna hit a sailboat. i was like shit is it my mom (like she knew who that was) and she said no but i kinda dumped her off of me and swam away cuz i didnt want people around us. she followed. she just back on my chest and then she asked me to kiss her but she had on this like magenta lipstick. i was like uh, well, ok i guess. so i put my cellphone that magically appeared down on this old pirate ship we were now sitting next to on land and then we kissed and paddled her back to the beach but then her mom was out crusing in the big purple boat that looked like a wagon but it was a boat with like all her siblings in it. she was like oh shit, run away, my mom will killl you. i was like wts so i started to swim away but then i realized running is for sissys so i stopped but this mom was an OLYMPIC swimmer and had already swam way past me so i got out and waited for her to come back to where i was on the beach. i went to talk to her and said stay away or else ill have u killed and took her daughters hand, alexis or alicia her name was, and stormed away. so i got all sad and left to go to this bar matt works at but i needed my cell phone but like it was at the pirate ship which was apparently behind matts bar so i had to like sneak thru cuz it was closed and then i got the back door and these 2 robbers were like hey, if u pick these locks for us (with a caramello bar i must add) then we wont kill you. i ate the bar and told them i just needed to go to the bathroom. matt came back and the robbers acted like they were just looking for something so i ran away and didn't get my phone. matt came after me in this like angelica light and was like ur phone isn't there. where would it be? so like suddenly i'm in this apartment with liz, her mom and eileen and i'm crying. liz is being all mean to me and everyone is going on and on about being gay and how i suck and all this shit. so i left and when i did i was on the street where i guess this girl alexis/alicia lived and somehow i just knew what house was hers and i walked up part of the stairs and her yelling and screaming cuz someone was being beaten. i looked down and walked away. i didn't know what else do to. then her dad looked out the window at me with a handful of sheets (cuz they were going home cuz they were so upset about me)and said i have to leave and go get these 2 magazines which i remembered was this girls favorite. so then i was like oh no, the dad is beating the mom. i was suddenly back at my house again but matt had packed everything and told me i had to leave the island, that it was better for the town this way. but i couldnt find my medicine and i really just wanted to talk to that girls and then my phone rang in real life. how fucking weird is that shit?

also earlier this morning i was having this like lesson on like survival or something and i remember i was cutting open sacagaweas canoe for the hide.

another thing, i was getting the mail out from my mailbox from my house in saratoga when these 3 asians came into my driveway and were doing this dance and i went inside to tell my uncle and he was like ohhh they are here? your mom went to visit them last week and invited them up but one of them was yang. i was sent to my room for the rest of the night like i was an embarassment or something.

dear nyquill, you really fuck up my dreams at night but thanks for the 12 hours of sleep.

lately, i've been feeling like shit. i don't know if it's cuz of my dads bday, or school ending soon, or liz not being here... i feel like i turned to liz for everything and it's hard to realize she's not here and won't be... i need to do things for myself but it's so much nicer when you have a friend there who you can tell anything to, and i mean anything, and have no judgement. i miss having someone tell me how it is, for real. i miss being told when i'm a fuck up or when i do well. i miss having that stable hand there to hold. i see a lot of my dad in liz. maybe that's why we were always so close. i'm a baby. i need to get over it. people need me to make them laugh. i will keep trying to do my best. every day is a battle. i will keep truckin' on. i will... be... ok...

I'll try to relate if you will talk to me.
I'll try to be great, like it were meant to be.
You think that maybe we could sit for a while.
Come out and say the things that you like to do.
And I'll do my best to try to relate to you.
I hope that maybe we could sit for a while.

And I, wanna thank you, and I wanna thank you.
I wanna thank you for not being afraid.


Cause you know you're perfect to me.
I hold my breathe just to hear you speak.

As time has gone by, I've seen you in every way,
from angry to sick and everything day by day,
you're still the most beautiful girl in the world.
I know you're the best at everything that you do,
and none of the rest could ever compare to you.
Always in my eyes you're my number one girl.

And I, wanna thank you, and I wanna thank you.
I wanna thank you for not being afraid.

Cause you know you're perfect to me,
I hold my breathe just to hear you speak
and I hope this dream never ends
cause you know you're my bestest friend

why am i so tired? today was the first day of clinicals. it was a waste of my time. the right side of my body is so sore. like i can't walk without a limp due to the huge knot in my rt calf and rt ass. i look like a tool. tomorrow is the 100 days dinner. i can't believe in 100 days, i will a FREAKING NURSE. tomorrow is also my dad's birthday. he would be... bloody hell-56! that's so old. wow. i wish liz was gonna be around. i was going to get real drunk but then i was thinking, prolly not the best idea. maybe it is. i don't know. i'm gonna go with the flow. we don't have softball this weekend which means ill have 4 days off. so nice. i have no idea what i'm gonna do this weekend. i get so confused when we have free time, esp. when we get into the mentality of the season. it's like a $5000 check from a stranger. what do you do with it? greys is on tonight. i'm real stoked. it hurts to laugh, cough or sneeze. sucky. chris is coming over and bringing me wawa cuz she has money and a real job. it's gonna be good to see her cuz it's been way to freaking long. wayyyyyy toooooooo long. i have met a lot of people in my life. i wonder where they are, what they are doing. do they remember me? weird. i'm gonna go get my life organized. sweet. bye for now.

i just had the weirdest dream of my whole in entire life but i can't remember anything about it. it was SO weird. i slept for like 12 hrs and i don't feel very rested. ugh. i'd rather just keep sleeping like 4-5 hrs and feeling fine then feeling like this. it's fine tho. softball yesterday was good. i didn't die, which was a plus. coach did almost kill me as the ginny pig with the pitching machine. it was scary as shit. we lost our bball game last night 44-10. yikes. it was ants team. they are good. they go to city 6's. it's fine. i talked to susan last night. that was nice. debbie wants to apologize to me for hitting me in the face. i just want her to stay away and out of my life. i could never figure out why people who don't like you or who you've hurt or whatever find it necessary to like stay in your life and like tortue you and them. wouldn't it be easier to be like hey, i hate your guts and stay out of their lives? it's takes so much effort to be mad at people sometimes. just leave me the fuck alone. how about that? going back to bed. talk to ya'll.


ps. HARBOR NOUN:

1.A sheltered part of a body of water deep enough to provide anchorage for ships.
2.A place of shelter; a refuge.

:o)

i'm both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that can be.- perks

im just really happy that it happened but real sad that it's over and you are not here. i miss you. homework sucks. wanna help?

funny how life turns out, eh? who knew this would happen? it's ok. it only lasted 5 mins. good thing you took me back. come play with me soon, ok? ;0)

"you're like my coach"- who says that

amphibian
theres goes the fam
relax
smile
laugh
love

:o)

what's gonna happen to the no relationship club without us? maybe we can just be like hey, if you're dating someone in the club you can still be in it? i mean we are the founding memebers and all!

today, i saw God. Never ever in my life will i doubt Him ever ever again. He loves me the way i am and helped me so much and i am 100% thankful. unbelieveable. for real. and dad, you asshole. thanks too. :o)

i signed up for the 100 days dinner. all i know is that im gonna be real drunk. hopefully i fall asleep in my pasta. i feel like it would some up college for most of us. i like the facebook album karin made for me. she is going to put all the pictures that prove her point in. it should be funny cuz lets be serious- i do crazy things drunk. happy hour this week is going to be weird without joy. good thing lauren is back. this is my last one. how sad. productivity is overrated. i feel bad for people who miss out on life studying. there is more to life then jobs and studying. it's a mentality. you have it or you dont. kind of like happiness. i just need to deal with it first, then i can be happy. this i know. i'm getting a job soon. who's scared? i am. i think its funny i write on here about my feelings. i didn't for a long time. i remember why. maybe i should buy a journal. or a pack of paper and tie it together. i'm getting drunk tonight, even if it's by myself. no class tomorrow. it got moved to wedesday. i need books. hmmm. life. live it. love it. die.

looked for the right answers in all the wrong places? i feel like that's what i've been doing lately. i lock myself in my room and cry. i've been doing things i'd never normally do. i have never felt like this in my entire life. i think it might be time to deal with the dead dad thing finally. i miss liz. school is gonna suck. i have to hand my portfolio in 3 weeks. wtf do i even put in there? school is already stressing me out and i've only had one class. the syllabus itself fried my brain. don't let me bring you down with my dull boring life. i just wilded out on someone and said fuck in every sentence. she is right though. she always is. i just want everything to be ok. it will be. i know. i will press on, smiling, making people happy waiting, for the day when i too can be happy. someday, it will stop hurting. someday, everything will make sense. until then, i will sit and remember and try to forgive him and understand. someday i wont be a hateful bitch. someday, i will smile, and mean it.

cause I don't wanna waste another moment
in saying things we never meant to say
do you hear me?

i did like the book. i really did. i talked about it and it made more sense. one small problem, im living my life as charlie.

i had a new favorite book but then i read the ending. now, i hate it. ugh.

remember how i'm real pissed you read this already? but it's ok cuz i like you so that makes up for it. i hope i finish it this time. ugh. hi beatrice.

school has been good. weird, but good. i've noticed change in myself but i think it's for the better. everyone else should just accept this.

i hope i never kill myself or have something horrible happen to me because they would look at this live journal thing and investigate it and think im all weird and twisty, but i'm not.

yesterdays entry and the time before were a little strange but it just came out. i donno. that's ok though. sometimes i wonder if i am me at all. does that make sense? just go with it.

room, be clean. ready, set, go.

i accidently mentioned that i have a live journal to my roommates. i hope they don't read this. if you are though, hi. now go away.

i just want to help people and be a nurse. i keep saying i don't want to be a nurse but i realized it's just cuz i'm scared. real scared. i want to be good at what i do and i know i haven't done my best to be prepared fully. i feel bad about it and im scared.

jill got hit with an ice storm. they have power again but it's in and out. she keeps telling me how cold it is. currently, it's 7 degrees without the wind chill. i miss her and home.

my roommate cried during american idol last night. can i just say it was real funny? i'm glad to see the crack baby go through and it's always nice to see an urban amish person. i mean, like, wtf?

fantastia- i'm stoked for when you cuss cuz it's gonna be real funny. haha. i can't even explain what you have done to and for me. you make me laugh. just thanks for everything. you don't get it but just thanks x 1000.

i'm going to lunch with the roomies. should be interesting. i need to brush my teeth. ugh, why are people so obsessed. i will never floss. beat it.

k bye.